Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
